Flea Collared

The 400 Flea Market, aptly located at the 400 and Innisfil Beach Road just south of Barrie, harkens to anyone in need of fun finds not available at mainstream retail outlets. While there today, I marvelled at the availability of throw blankets adorned with Taylor Lautner's half-naked teen wolf self, Newfie novelties like pineapple Crush pop, (why is this drink only available as a Newfie treat? Really Cadbury? As if the rest of Canada may not appreciate pineapple flavoured pop?) and Jingle Jugs. The jugs, suprising, had nothing to do with milk. Cow's milk, anyway.  Nope, they were mechanical boobs that hang on a fancy plaque on your wall, and when turned on, the bikini-clad boobs bounce and sing. If only I had bought stock in this company!

Not to be outdone are the "outfitters." Luckily, if you are in the market for lethal weapons like fun deadly knives and clubs, pellet guns made to look suspiciously like machine guns, and ninja foot spikes, this is the place for you! Goodness, I was overwhelmed by the quality products offered by not one but two dealers for the violent wannabe vigilante in all of us.

But the best thing there? The Scarface lamp. Because nothing says night table decor like Pacino packing heat!

Awesome crap. That's pretty much it.

The Beaver. Huh?

Gibson with his hand in the beaver. Why don't you go molest a wallaby instead?

Okay, so as I was leafing through the Entertainment section of the Star yesterday and came upon an ad for the new movie The Beaver. Under the title it read "He's here to save Walter's life."

Uh, is this for real?

Oh, Dolly! Your song rings true!

“Working 9 to 5, what a way to make a living! It’s enough to drive you crazy if you let it.”

Am I yet again inspired by Netflix? Yes, currently they are airing the famous Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda, and Dolly Parton escapade about three chicks working for the man, and their eventual success in overthrowing their deadbeat boss played by Dabney Coleman but maybe this week’s blog is more to do with my return to work this Monday from my maternity leave. So, I have devised some ideas on how to survive the cubicle jungle.

For one, how do we deal with lunch-stealers? Seriously, is someone truly poor and starving, or are we just dealing with an asshole here? Can you be so much of a tool that you figure, “Mmm, strange lunch. It doesn’t have a name on it, so it must be for me and my gluttonous ass.” How to fix this common office quandary? As Bart would put it, “poison pizza.” I mean, they’ll be dead, so you’ll know immediately who ate it, plus they’ll be dead so they won’t be eating your lunch anymore, right?

Also, ever fight over what’s playing on the radio? Some offices let staff take turns choosing the station, with Bill picking Q107 on Mondays and Sheryl picking Virgin Radio Tuesday, etc. But what if you just can’t stand to listen to anything anyone else wants to hear? Easy fix! Every time a song comes on, jump up and start to dance. Show everyone your robot. And sing along. And grind with the girl next to you, whether you be man or lady. “Oh yeah, this is my favourite song!” you screech. Turn up the volume. Sometimes pick the radio up and run around the office with it over your head, shouting, “I’m John Cusack!” Then when it’s your turn to pick the station, just sit quietly and bother no one. Eventually, you will win the right to listen to your favourite station – everyday, all day.

Meetings. Mostly boring, mostly in too-hot conference rooms, and you’re likely within withering-glance view of the boss, so it’s tough to play Brickbreaker on your BlackBerry and make it look like you’re “just checking for an important email.” While there’s the age-old trick of painting your eyeballs on your eyelids, that can only work for about the first three meetings before others begin to catch on. So how to break up the boredom? I guess we could act interested, listen, take notes, and participate, but who the hell wants to do that? That only leaves us with a few options:

• Option one is to give yourself a paper cut. Shriek wildly that you have hemophilia and have to get a blood transfusion immediately. Grab your stuff and fly out the door. When others check on how you’re doing, just tell them it was a false alarm and you made a mistake – you actually have conferencitis, and you’re much better now.
• Option two on getting out of a meeting would be to spill coffee on the most important person there. They would have to get up in a huff (most of these highly important types are sort of uppity, so they will), thereby breaking up the meeting as Mr. or Ms. Big Stuff goes to wash the coffee from his or her burning crotch, leaving you to begin to chat with your other equally bored co-workers about the latest goings-on on Sister Wives.
• Option three is always just to get up and make like you’re going to the can, but really you’re headed to the staff lounge to check out what’s on Montel for about 15 minutes. Return with a sense of happiness – after all, Sylvia Brown was on today and you’re happy to think you have a spirit animal in your life (likely, mine would be a hedgehog. Or that thing, Tanglet, who worked for the villainous Duchess Ravenwaves on Lady Lovely Locks).

And what about diversity and love? Well, office love and acceptance takes a new step forward with the coming out of the office photocopier. You always wondered why it never printed in black and white but instead fabulous purples and reds. Celebrate diversity with a Photocopier Pride Parade every July (during office hours, and not on statutory holidays or weekends), and hire cops to make sure none of those bigoted fax machines try to ruin the party.

Happy Easter, blog-readers!

Toddler Playsets Yet to be Created

The people at Fisher-Price need to know that they are missing something. Amidst the barnyard, house, and castle, they are forgetting about the more likely, more modern playsets for little ones to pretend with. With that, here is a list of Little People playsets I think belong in every kid's toybox:

 

 

1. Ontario Hospital. Comes with ER crammed with Little People. Easy stacking for little hands! Also comes with rerouted ambulance!

2. Tim Hortons. Complete with drive-thru and sign explaining the rising prices of coffee, line-up of coffee-hungry Newmarketonians, and dysfunctional Iced Cappuccino maker. Perfect for recreating your toddler's hectic afternoons.

3. Fitness Centre. Mirrors aplenty in the free weights area. Comes with our favourite Little Person “Anabolic Andy,” with cutesy-pie bugling veins and acne, and “Leathery Lily” just exiting the tanning bed in time for her fitness competition. Keep toys out in the sun for a more lifelike dehydrated look and feel!

4.  Golf Course. Comes with the whole Maple Leafs team, Ron Wilson, and even Abe Sapien look-alike, Jonas Gustavvson.

5. A-Team Van. Imagine a tiny B.A. Barracus, with a tiny Mohawk and rotund body with all that bling? I pity the two-year old who doesn’t get this playset.

6. Chilean Mine. Yes, it even comes with working escape elevator!

Why the Leafs are Getting into the Playoffs

Okay, here is my excuse for this blog. I wrote it Tuesday before the Leafs were officially eliminated from the playoffs. Then Blogspot wasn't working, so no timely upload. Anyway, in the spirit of laziness, and perhaps denial, I didn't bother writing a new one. Enjoy!

 

Why the Leafs are Getting into the Playoffs
So, I opened my latest issue of The Hockey News, where they arrogantly made the odds up for who will win the Cup this season. Toronto apparently has a 1,000 to 1 chance! Thanks, The Hockey News for thinking you know your stuff, but no. I have several reasons to beleaf why The Hockey News is wrong on this one:

1. Optimus Reim. Yes, James Reimer has been a triumph. But guess what? He truly is a Transformer! When the going gets tough, expect him to morph into a zamboni and slowly flood the ice with too much water, thereby trapping the puck in puddles. Mwah ha ha.

2. They aren’t from Buffalo. That already makes us a winner.

3. Brian Burke’s really a leprechaun. He also secretly believes the Stanley Cup sits at the end of a rainbow and is filled with gold. I mean, look at his ears.

4. No devastating head injuries. …they’ve yet to have the idea of not making it this year rattled out of their heads.

5. Captain Phaneuf’s leadership. Part-Neanderthal face, part regular face. Think of it this way. How hot is Gretzky or Crosby? I think you can drive a truck up Crosby’s nostrils. Point I am making: ugly guys are winners.

6. Carlton’s affairs. We haven’t heard much about the scandalous three way affair between team mascots Carlton the Bear, Harvey the Hound and Sabretooth from Buffalo as the Leafs’ hot streak has us distracted. Do we really need the bear’s life to unravel so?!

7. Wilson’s contract. He hasn’t got the Leafs into the playoffs in his four-year tenure. So, he’s got to do it this year, right? (insert big, hopeful-eyed kid’s picture). And finally…

8. This can’t happen to me again. Why God, why? Can’t the Leafs get into the playoffs just…I’ll do anything. I mean, I will give up swearing, chocolate, popcorn, Netflix, padded bras, PC Points, anything!

(Truly, Truly) Truly Outrageous Kids' Parties

Outrageous Kid Parties is yet another example of the awesome indulgence rich weirdoes like to, well, indulge in. Little brats get spoiled in a way that even Daddy Warbucks couldn’t match as parents spend about half of my annual salary or more on loot bags
filled with iPods and Faberge eggs. It makes me think with my little guy’s birthday approaching: what are we going to do to parallel the party madness? So maybe that level of spending isn’t appropriate…in which case here are some ideas:

1. Instead of whacking a piñata, string up a regular garbage bag filled with an assortment of leaves. Kids love leaves!

2. Chuck E Cheese’s is great, but how about the alley downtown with the mice and a drunk guy singing? There’s bound to be some pizza in the dumpster there, too.

3. Pin the tail on the donkey is everyone’s old standby. Up the fun by pinning the tail on your friendly drug mule. Careful not to pop the balloon in his arsehole!

4. Now’s the time to be green, even when it comes to parties. Recycle those used coffee filters into party hats. Nabob makes a good brown hat.

5. Petting zoos can be stinky. Why not take the kids to the forest where they can pet wolverines, badgers, and semi-rabid possums instead?

6. Pizza can get pricey, too, so feed the kids delicious cucumber slices with cheese food product, a side of beets, and no name soda crackers.

So whatever the situation, enjoy your kids’ party! And please share pictures. We’d love to see the leaf-covered children eating beets and applying band-aids and rabies vaccine to their animal-inflicted “love nibbles!”

You Know You're at No Frills When...

I shop there. I used to work there. Everyone has one in their neighbourhood,  with their giant banana sign looming above the heads of employees and shoppers alike. No Frills, people.  Here are some ways to find out if you're really in a No Frills store in case one day you get blinded by all the yellow signage:


1. You're wearing your grey sweatpants and you're still the hottest thing in there.
2. All the cars in the parking lot have bumper stickers that read "I'd rather be watching Nascar."

3. There's a distinct greasy food/cigarette musk on half the shoppers who have just left the neighbourhood bingo hall to shop for Swanson's meals and smokes.
4. The mom in line behind you yells at her kids to put the Kraft Dinner back on the shelf citing that "It's too fancy. Get the No Name one."

5. Someone is trying to return a loaf of bread that has mould on it, declaring it wasn't like that when I got it off the clearance rack two weeks ago!”

6. The girl in front of you tells her boyfriend she wants "the good sauce" for her spaghetti. You soon realize she's talking about Italian salad dressing.

7. Lunchables are considered a delicacy by other shoppers.

8. The cashier's hairdo consists of super-teased bangs with a pink scrunchie holding back the rest of her beautiful mane-o-eightiesness.

9. The manager is the most educated guy working there, with a double major in White-Trash Economics and Box Pile Engineering.

Until next week!