Why the Leafs are Getting into the Playoffs

Okay, here is my excuse for this blog. I wrote it Tuesday before the Leafs were officially eliminated from the playoffs. Then Blogspot wasn't working, so no timely upload. Anyway, in the spirit of laziness, and perhaps denial, I didn't bother writing a new one. Enjoy!

 

Why the Leafs are Getting into the Playoffs
So, I opened my latest issue of The Hockey News, where they arrogantly made the odds up for who will win the Cup this season. Toronto apparently has a 1,000 to 1 chance! Thanks, The Hockey News for thinking you know your stuff, but no. I have several reasons to beleaf why The Hockey News is wrong on this one:

1. Optimus Reim. Yes, James Reimer has been a triumph. But guess what? He truly is a Transformer! When the going gets tough, expect him to morph into a zamboni and slowly flood the ice with too much water, thereby trapping the puck in puddles. Mwah ha ha.

2. They aren’t from Buffalo. That already makes us a winner.

3. Brian Burke’s really a leprechaun. He also secretly believes the Stanley Cup sits at the end of a rainbow and is filled with gold. I mean, look at his ears.

4. No devastating head injuries. …they’ve yet to have the idea of not making it this year rattled out of their heads.

5. Captain Phaneuf’s leadership. Part-Neanderthal face, part regular face. Think of it this way. How hot is Gretzky or Crosby? I think you can drive a truck up Crosby’s nostrils. Point I am making: ugly guys are winners.

6. Carlton’s affairs. We haven’t heard much about the scandalous three way affair between team mascots Carlton the Bear, Harvey the Hound and Sabretooth from Buffalo as the Leafs’ hot streak has us distracted. Do we really need the bear’s life to unravel so?!

7. Wilson’s contract. He hasn’t got the Leafs into the playoffs in his four-year tenure. So, he’s got to do it this year, right? (insert big, hopeful-eyed kid’s picture). And finally…

8. This can’t happen to me again. Why God, why? Can’t the Leafs get into the playoffs just…I’ll do anything. I mean, I will give up swearing, chocolate, popcorn, Netflix, padded bras, PC Points, anything!