(Truly, Truly) Truly Outrageous Kids' Parties

Outrageous Kid Parties is yet another example of the awesome indulgence rich weirdoes like to, well, indulge in. Little brats get spoiled in a way that even Daddy Warbucks couldn’t match as parents spend about half of my annual salary or more on loot bags
filled with iPods and Faberge eggs. It makes me think with my little guy’s birthday approaching: what are we going to do to parallel the party madness? So maybe that level of spending isn’t appropriate…in which case here are some ideas:

1. Instead of whacking a piñata, string up a regular garbage bag filled with an assortment of leaves. Kids love leaves!

2. Chuck E Cheese’s is great, but how about the alley downtown with the mice and a drunk guy singing? There’s bound to be some pizza in the dumpster there, too.

3. Pin the tail on the donkey is everyone’s old standby. Up the fun by pinning the tail on your friendly drug mule. Careful not to pop the balloon in his arsehole!

4. Now’s the time to be green, even when it comes to parties. Recycle those used coffee filters into party hats. Nabob makes a good brown hat.

5. Petting zoos can be stinky. Why not take the kids to the forest where they can pet wolverines, badgers, and semi-rabid possums instead?

6. Pizza can get pricey, too, so feed the kids delicious cucumber slices with cheese food product, a side of beets, and no name soda crackers.

So whatever the situation, enjoy your kids’ party! And please share pictures. We’d love to see the leaf-covered children eating beets and applying band-aids and rabies vaccine to their animal-inflicted “love nibbles!”

You Know You're at No Frills When...

I shop there. I used to work there. Everyone has one in their neighbourhood,  with their giant banana sign looming above the heads of employees and shoppers alike. No Frills, people.  Here are some ways to find out if you're really in a No Frills store in case one day you get blinded by all the yellow signage:


1. You're wearing your grey sweatpants and you're still the hottest thing in there.
2. All the cars in the parking lot have bumper stickers that read "I'd rather be watching Nascar."

3. There's a distinct greasy food/cigarette musk on half the shoppers who have just left the neighbourhood bingo hall to shop for Swanson's meals and smokes.
4. The mom in line behind you yells at her kids to put the Kraft Dinner back on the shelf citing that "It's too fancy. Get the No Name one."

5. Someone is trying to return a loaf of bread that has mould on it, declaring it wasn't like that when I got it off the clearance rack two weeks ago!”

6. The girl in front of you tells her boyfriend she wants "the good sauce" for her spaghetti. You soon realize she's talking about Italian salad dressing.

7. Lunchables are considered a delicacy by other shoppers.

8. The cashier's hairdo consists of super-teased bangs with a pink scrunchie holding back the rest of her beautiful mane-o-eightiesness.

9. The manager is the most educated guy working there, with a double major in White-Trash Economics and Box Pile Engineering.

Until next week!

I Promise Never to Blog About...

Sadly, I am not the first blogger in history. What with the internet allowing all folks to comment on the world and show off their stuff, it's even more unlikely that this is your favourite blog, right? Well, anyway, with the litany of blogs clogging the information circus we live in, I at least promise not to stick to mundane topics or regurgitate commentary that many have already had to listen to. With that, I give you the list of things I promise never to write about:

1. Men and their incapacity to pick up laundry/find anything without tits/put down the toilet seat. We get it, they're from Mars and therefore retarded.

2. The obesity crisis in North America. People eat too much crap and don't exercise enough.  The end.

3. The everyday trials of a mom. What, you mean other people have kids?

4. Hockey is violent. This is what happens when you live in a country that is fricking cold for 9 months out of the year, give people sticks and tell them to fight over something barely the size of a Swiss Chalet bun. Oh, and throw some screaming parents who freak so much during their kids' games that they almost spill their Timmy's, and you will have one beautiful national past time.

5. The Kardashians . I feel bad enough just giving them this much attention.

6. Charlie Sheen. He's Emilio Estevez's brother, and I've thought all along that Charlie got more attention than he deserved. We salute you, Coach Bombay. Who's ready for Mighty Ducks 4: The Revenge of Averman?

For the Love of (Ms.) Pac-Man

Netflix is airing King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters right now, a documentary that follows Steve Wiebe's eventual rise as the highest-scoring Donkey Kong player in history. His tale is not without its villians, wise wizards, and other nerdly folk, so if you're at all into geek couture beyond listening to Weezer and enjoying making McLovin references, this is the movie for you!

Anyway, as the film explores big-glasses-wearing, scraggly- facial- hair- sporting geeks' affinity for classic video games it reignited my undying love for that round little scamp, Pac-Man, and his progressive wife, Ms. Pac-Man. With their big black eyes, super jaundice and insatiable appetite, what isn't there to love? Both Pac-Man and his woman constantly evade death by ghost touch and somehow avoid becoming obese despite their munchies (must be all that running after ghosts, or running away from, depending).

But Ms. Pac-Man is the true hero of the two. She made taking the title of "Ms." acceptable. She faced the same daunting tasks as her husband in the working world, scooting around the same boards as his. She equalized Pac-people and brought to the fore the robust attitude of a can-do working mom, while at the same time embodying the ultrafeminine with her hot legs, lipstick, and a bow in her hair (head?). She's a lady of the '80s, however powerful without shoulderpads and cocaine, beautiful without leg-warmers and off- the- shoulder sweaters.

I don't know where the woman's movement would be without her shining example. God Speed, Ms. Pac-Man. Please take care of your liver.